A Personal One

So this post is going to be a little bit...I don't know, should I say personal?
Insightful? Real?
It's something...but I do feel like I need to document it somewhere so why not my blog.

Since the world fell apart (that's no exaggeration), I've distanced myself immensely from social media. I tend to only go on there for author purposes but otherwise I've taken a step back and it's done me a world of good. And I'm enjoying it. Social media gets too loud for me. Especially now that there appears to be an increase of internet immigrants (because of course, what else is there to do now that people can't leave the house right?). I do feel like going on social media is like walking into one of Jay Gatsby's parties and not knowing what to do with yourself. You're just overwhelmed by the wave of voices, opinions and showiness that you just find yourself fading into the background or walking out feeling less about yourself. It can be really offputting and damaging.
I don't watch the news. I've never watched the news. 
I don't watch tv (as in actual television). It's just Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney+ or Viki (for you K-Drama/C-Drama lovers) for me.

For a long while (what I deem long for me may differ for what's long for others) I was deficient in creativity - which was very painful for me. It triggered my anxiety, there were mild panic attacks, there were tears, self-confidence issues, depressive episodes.
I basically went through an existential crisis and I couldn't get out of it.
Because things were (and still are) all up in the air and uncertain. 

I'm doing better now. I've crawled out of that hole and dusting myself off. Maybe not as quickly as I should, but I'm taking my time with it. There are days still where I have moments of "I am a failure", "I'm inadequate in comparison to other writers", "I'll never be published" then there are moments where I feel happy about my small wins. No day is the same. I'll be on top today but tomorrow I may not be. I can't predict it. And it's not that easy to control either.

I tend to put a shameful amount of pressure on myself to be a 'good everything' to everyone. I want to be a good writer, friend, partner, child, employee. And I seem to do everything I can to get to the satisfactory level that I'm happy with...the only problem is, my 'satisfactory level' is all the way up in the clouds. I can never reach it. I'm my toughest opponent. Not sure why I'm such a harsh critic. I only know that I'm slowly learning how to combat that side and cut myself from slack. No one's perfect, right?

It's taken me time to recover, to accept that with life as it is now, it's okay to feel a multitude of emotions, to be sad, confused, angry and more. There are no rules. There's no easy way to play this game the universe is having right now.

I'm not sure how I managed to finish my second draft of my WIP. It just...happened. And when it was over, I felt a bit lost, empty and very scared (because I want my editor to love it as much as I do). But I didn't stay idle. I found myself diving back into my fantasy romance (the 3rd draft) and resuming editing. The day after that I had a chat with another editor and  started something brand new...and by brand new, I literally mean I started a WIP I never thought I would.
It's in 1st POV. This is a big deal for me only because I'm a strictly 3rd POV writer only. But as I was given the opportunity to write this new idea in either or, I chose 1st person and I've had great fun with it. I've sent some chapters to my editor to get some feedback, which I'll be recieving in a couple of weeks so we'll see what happens with that.

At the moment I'm just waiting for WIP feedback and slowly getting back into editing my fantasy romance. Some may say it's a huge achievement to be busying myself, however I see if quite differently. for me, I feel like I'm working behind schedule. Where I'm at now, I should have been last year. But again, this  high expectation/personal pressure is something I'm still trying to figure out.

Honestly, it's a constant battle (it always has been) but even more so during these uncertain times. There's no real point to this blog other than to be honest and to document a bit of realness. Writing is hard, it's never easy. Being a writer...it's a constant war with yourself. You feel bad if you aren't writing, and when you are, you doubt yourself. 
Even on your release day, which is meant to be an uncredibly exciting day for any writer, you feel anxious about the reviews. It's very very hard.

I'm still pretty much learner about myself as a writer and I do very much enjoy that growth. I love the lessons. I love the challenge. And I count on many more.
I don't think it hurts for me to impart a bit of advice for anyone struggling creatively so I'll say this:
No one can write like you can. No one sees the world the way you do. No one can write your story, so it's up to you. There will be one person out there who needs your story, who will say that it inspired them, taught them, entertained them. Think of them.

S.R
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