We're mid November now so here's an update on my goals:
One goal met. Which is still progress, right?
"The hard part is done", as I like to say, but actually the hard part is far from being done.
I'm at the revision stage - the infamous hard part.
To add a bit of context:
I've been going to a monumentous amount of stress these past couple of months (personal stuff) which seems to finally be improving now. On top of that, I've managed to complete a book somehow - which again, is great. However, the last couple of weeks has to be one of my lowest points in years (emotionally and creatively).
Whenever I recieve feedback on a draft, I do this thing where I sit there, address the main points and problem solve. I make notes upon notes upon notes and when I finally feel I've cracked the code to creating a clearer, smoother plot, I get really excited and contact my editor and it's all poppers and firework displays when I miraculously manage to pull it off.
But what about when I don't?
Have I ever spoken about what happens when I feel I've failed and have to go back to the drawing board?
I've avoided social media, solely for the fact that creatively I've had no drive, no inspiration, no faith and no silver lining. I can't bear to be exposed to the successes of other people in the writing community when I'm stuck in the mud. I've constantly second guessed myself. Every day that's passed I've asked myself if I'm cut out to be a romance writer (meanwhile forgetting that others seen so much potential in me and that I've been acknowledged by editors before).
And I know people say "read a book, it might inspire you"...no, it doesn't.
It only succeeds in making me feel even more inadequate as a writer. It constantly has me comparing myself to the writer, telling myself I can never be as good, could ever write as flawlessly. Then I start to ask myself whether my writing is too basic or cliche (forgetting all about the good feedback I've recieved and hellbent on focusing on the bad).
It's depressing, I know. And I'm aware that the writing community has an equal balance of emotions, that creatives flock to twitter or facebook or wherever to share their sorrows, rejections, failures, successes, achievements...and I'm equally guilty of sharing moments of achievement and success...but I don't like to talk about my problems. I don't like exposing my hardships.
However, I think it helps to be honest with people, otherwise I'm not being real.
Hence this post today in my protected space.
I have no idea who (or if anyone) reads my blog posts, so I could be venting to thin air for all I know, but it doesn't matter. What matters is I'm honest with whoever does stumble across my site or page and reads this. Honest that being a creative sounds hella fun, but has the hardest low points. Everyone deals differently.
For me, if I can't write, can't create or brainstorm then I retreat into myself. Question myself. Lose faith in myself. Until something helps me break out of it.
Prior to my low point, two fellow writers spontaneously messaged me, and I learnt three things.
1) Someone loves my writing pictures - the ones where I always have a cup of tea or teapot nearby
2) Someone finds my writing updates motivational
3) Someone is looking forward to my stories
It's the simple nuggets of gold such as these which help me find the silver lining. That and the support from my close friends who understand all too well what it's like to suffer creatively.
Be assured that I'm inching closer to pulling myself out of this quick sand. I'll find my feet again and before long, you'll see me back to my usual optimistic self.
In the meantime, I'll be...problem solving.
I'll end it here with something for those who do like my writing space photos. Here's my latest one which is fairly new to me as it's a new desk with new thingamabobs (I have yet to utilise this new space properly!) Xxxx